Friday, October 30, 2009

My House Is a Mess & So Am I

I am overwhelmed this morning, that is putting it nicely.  I started to feel very sore last night and I tried to fight it off.  When I got home from work, my daughter began crying that I could not attend her school Halloween party.  My son (3) doesn't care about this kind of stuff as much as my 5 year old little girl.  She is a full blown mommy's girl and she can't seem to get enough of me.  I love her so dearly and I am glad that we are so close.  I feel terrible that I can't attend the party, but I am almost out of vacation days and I am trying to save some for the holidays.  This is so difficult for a 5 year old to understand.

I won't say I feel guilty, that is not the appropriate emotion.  Sad, I guess.  Sad that I can't do all that everyone wants me to do.  So, this kicked off our evening last night and then we went to gymnastics.  Tears were abundant with my daughter because by Thursday, she is generally tired too. 

I went to bed as soon as the kids did.  My husband seemed annoyed with me, but he says he wasn't.  He is pretty supportive, but I know he doesn't understand that my body was beginning to ache.  I hate to constantly say that I am not feeling well because it is so frequent it loses its meaning.

This morning, not off to a good start.  Tears again over the Halloween party.  I am trying to teach Mercedes (her name) to find the positive even when things don't go her way.  At least I will be with her on the true Halloween.  At least I will take her trick-or-treating.  I think it is getting through to her, but so hard when she is so upset about these type of things.  If you don't have kids, you might not understand how important this sort of thing is to them.  To a child, it is a big deal.  This is their type of stress.  So if I told her this wasn't a big deal, I would completely invalidate her feelings. 

But, in the grand scheme of life, I know it isn't a big deal.  It is not the sort of thing that will have long term consequences.  I go to many school functions, but I have to choose which ones are most important.  And, my husband is going to the Halloween party/parade and will take some pictures and video for me.  We do our best.  Sometimes I do wonder if she would want to be with me so much if I stayed home and wasn't a working mother.  Many kids probably take their parents for granted, I know that my daughter appreciates it when I ditch work for a day to be with her.  Sad, I know.  Not exactly a lesson I planned on having her learn so young.

I can't stay home.  It's not an option.  It's not a choice.  I make very good money and I am the provider for the family.  My husband does well, but we live off my income.  He jumbles his work around the kids schedules.  It's a reversed situation and not one that either of us want.  The cards fell that way and I have done well in my career.  If we could flip it, we both would in a heartbeat.

I forgot my cell phone again.  My husband tried calling me this morning and I wasn't available.  He was mad and left a nasty voicemail on my work phone.  I don't know what to say.  I forgot it...yes- AGAIN.  I can't seem to remember it a lot.  It's not on purpose, but I can't say I make an effort either.  I have so many things going through my mind each morning, it's not at the top of my list.

Is it Fibro-Fog?  How much can be blamed on fibro?  I think he would completely disregard me if I said it was from fibro.  In fact, unless he has read up on fibro, I haven't told him about the fog part.  I am just trying to get him to understand the aches and the fatigue- which is more than enough for him right now.

Sometimes I still doubt myself.  Maybe I am just lazy.  Maybe I just don't feel like cleaning after the kids go to bed and it's easier to just lay down. 

I can't seem to get it together, no matter how hard I try.  I can't seem to keep the house clean and our life organized.  I am so frustrated with myself.  Why can't I remember to take a stupid cell phone with me everyday?  What if there really was a true emergency?  What the hell is wrong with me?

I need a day to sleep.  I need some time alone - quiet.  I need a day to clean my house.  I need my shoulders to stop burning and aching.  I need my arms to stop being so sore.  I need some energy.  Energy.  Energy.  Energy.  Why can't I just have a little energy?

There is no end in sight- as far as time to recover and rejuvenate.  After work, I have a chiropractor appt. and then dinner, then carving pumpkins, prepare goody bags for friends.  Then cleaning that mess, go to bed, get up- mad rush to swimming lessons in the morning.  Deliver goody bags, make something to bring to dinner at a friend's house, go there and trick or treat. 

My house is a mess.

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