Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Being Mom

There is nothing I enjoy more than being a mother to my 5 year old daughter and my 3 year old son.

Part of the reason I am trying the chiropractic care is because of how much I love them.  I have to pull through this.  My daughter has been saying things like "Ouch, my legs hurt" or "Oh, my whole body hurts".  It makes me want to cry.  This is a learned behavior on her end, she looks up to me.  She wants to be me.  I want her to see me the way I feel inside - ready to do so many fun things and take on the world.  Unfortunately, most of the time she is seeing the way I feel on the oustide.  Pain and fatigue.

Sometimes, we will go out for a Saturday morning of activity and running errands.  We might be gone from 10 - 2pm and when we get home I almost always need to lay down for a few minutes.  Sometimes I need to nap.  It is frustrating for me and its not how I want my children to see.

There is also the part of being wife.  I am married to a truly wonderful man.  He is supportive, but I know that he is frustrated.  His "partner" no longer exists.  Maybe it's more like his soulmate is gone.  When we were younger and I didn't yet have this, we would go out all night.  We had so much fun and we were always ready to go.  Now, I go to bed at 8pm.  Sometimes 9pm, but its usually shortly after the kids are asleep.  On a bad day, its even before they are asleep, but in bed.

He stays up and watches tv by himself.  Sometimes he works.  Sometimes he does laundry or tinkers in the garage.  Either way, he has given up on asking me to hang out with him.  It is sad.  I would rather sleep than cuddle which is one of the cruelest parts of this disorder.  I know he is lonely and he wants me back.  He is one of the only people that could possibly understand because he lives with it.  In a sense, he has this too.  It has changed his life.

Austin and Mercedes (on Mercedes' 1st day of kindergarten)

My boy

Sweet girl
I need to get better.

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