My House Is a Mess & So Am I

I am overwhelmed this morning, that is putting it nicely.  I started to feel very sore last night and I tried to fight it off.  When I got home from work, my daughter began crying that I could not attend her school Halloween party.  My son (3) doesn't care about this kind of stuff as much as my 5 year old little girl.  She is a full blown mommy's girl and she can't seem to get enough of me.  I love her so dearly and I am glad that we are so close.  I feel terrible that I can't attend the party, but I am almost out of vacation days and I am trying to save some for the holidays.  This is so difficult for a 5 year old to understand.

I won't say I feel guilty, that is not the appropriate emotion.  Sad, I guess.  Sad that I can't do all that everyone wants me to do.  So, this kicked off our evening last night and then we went to gymnastics.  Tears were abundant with my daughter because by Thursday, she is generally tired too. 

I went to bed as soon as the kids did.  My husband seemed annoyed with me, but he says he wasn't.  He is pretty supportive, but I know he doesn't understand that my body was beginning to ache.  I hate to constantly say that I am not feeling well because it is so frequent it loses its meaning.

This morning, not off to a good start.  Tears again over the Halloween party.  I am trying to teach Mercedes (her name) to find the positive even when things don't go her way.  At least I will be with her on the true Halloween.  At least I will take her trick-or-treating.  I think it is getting through to her, but so hard when she is so upset about these type of things.  If you don't have kids, you might not understand how important this sort of thing is to them.  To a child, it is a big deal.  This is their type of stress.  So if I told her this wasn't a big deal, I would completely invalidate her feelings. 

But, in the grand scheme of life, I know it isn't a big deal.  It is not the sort of thing that will have long term consequences.  I go to many school functions, but I have to choose which ones are most important.  And, my husband is going to the Halloween party/parade and will take some pictures and video for me.  We do our best.  Sometimes I do wonder if she would want to be with me so much if I stayed home and wasn't a working mother.  Many kids probably take their parents for granted, I know that my daughter appreciates it when I ditch work for a day to be with her.  Sad, I know.  Not exactly a lesson I planned on having her learn so young.

I can't stay home.  It's not an option.  It's not a choice.  I make very good money and I am the provider for the family.  My husband does well, but we live off my income.  He jumbles his work around the kids schedules.  It's a reversed situation and not one that either of us want.  The cards fell that way and I have done well in my career.  If we could flip it, we both would in a heartbeat.

I forgot my cell phone again.  My husband tried calling me this morning and I wasn't available.  He was mad and left a nasty voicemail on my work phone.  I don't know what to say.  I forgot it...yes- AGAIN.  I can't seem to remember it a lot.  It's not on purpose, but I can't say I make an effort either.  I have so many things going through my mind each morning, it's not at the top of my list.

Is it Fibro-Fog?  How much can be blamed on fibro?  I think he would completely disregard me if I said it was from fibro.  In fact, unless he has read up on fibro, I haven't told him about the fog part.  I am just trying to get him to understand the aches and the fatigue- which is more than enough for him right now.

Sometimes I still doubt myself.  Maybe I am just lazy.  Maybe I just don't feel like cleaning after the kids go to bed and it's easier to just lay down. 

I can't seem to get it together, no matter how hard I try.  I can't seem to keep the house clean and our life organized.  I am so frustrated with myself.  Why can't I remember to take a stupid cell phone with me everyday?  What if there really was a true emergency?  What the hell is wrong with me?

I need a day to sleep.  I need some time alone - quiet.  I need a day to clean my house.  I need my shoulders to stop burning and aching.  I need my arms to stop being so sore.  I need some energy.  Energy.  Energy.  Energy.  Why can't I just have a little energy?

There is no end in sight- as far as time to recover and rejuvenate.  After work, I have a chiropractor appt. and then dinner, then carving pumpkins, prepare goody bags for friends.  Then cleaning that mess, go to bed, get up- mad rush to swimming lessons in the morning.  Deliver goody bags, make something to bring to dinner at a friend's house, go there and trick or treat. 

My house is a mess.

Healthcare Debate

Well, I am not feeling well this morning.  I am slightly achy, but not too bad.  However, my stomach is a bit sour and I just have an overall feeling of unwell.  It is dark and rainy outside and I would love to just go back home and go to sleep.  I will keep chugging along and see if I feel any better.

So much debate is happening in the U.S. now about universal healthcare.  I will admit, I don't understand it all.  In fact, I don't understand a lot of it.  I hear many sides and feel like each side is leaving out small truths.  I do not believe that people have a right to healthcare.  However, I don't think it is a privilege either.  I do believe that as human beings, we have an obligation to take care of people that cannot take care of themselves.  No one should die because they have an illness that can be treated.  First and foremost in my mind is children.  As a society, we have a moral obligation to ensure the health and well being of our children. 

With all that said, no one in this world should die of starvation either.  But, people do.  I don't know what the solutions are, so I am not going to even try.

I will state what my fears about healthcare changes are...my biggest concern is not being able to see my doctor when I want to see my doctor.  Advocates for healthcare reform say this will not happen.  I would love to hear from people living in countries with social healthcare.  Is it true?  What are the benefits?  What are the downsides/challenges?

If I needed to see my Doctor, I fear that I would be at the bottom of the list.  After all, it is just fibromyalgia- right?  Its not that important, right?

On the flip side, if someone has fibromyalgia and is living with this awful disease and does not have insurance, how do they cope?  I would hope they would have the same opportunities as those with insurance.

I work full time.  I am extremely lucky that my condition has not completely dibilitated me.  But, there is no guarantee of work.  No one can ever predict the direction of their health and it can turn on a dime.  What if I couldn't work?  I wouldn't have health insurance.  But, I do believe my husband would take a job - maybe one he didn't like - if it offered insurance.  Right now he doesn't need to because my insurance covers the family.

I once knew someone though, that did not have health insurance.  She didn't work because she wanted to be home with her children.  How I wish I could be home with my children, I have worked throughout my pregnancies and went back at 12 weeks after birth.  Anyway, she said her husband didn't work because he didn't like the job offers he was given.  This is the kind of story that bothers me.  First, there were 2 able bodied adults that had the ability to work.  They were choosing not to work.  Why should I be paying for their healthcare?

Then there are people out there that truly cannot work for one reason or another.  Maybe they are single mothers or widowers, etc...those are the people that need help.  Those are the people that I feel I have a moral obligation to help.  Where is the balance and how do you stop people from abusing the system?

I would like to see a healthcare plan that can be tested.  It's the project manager in me, but let's try something on a small scale.  Roll it out to a couple of states and see how it can be improved before turning the entire system upside down.

One solution I see - we need more Doctors.  There are not enough of them.  I know people that were diagnosed with cancer and unable to see the referred oncologist for 6 weeks. If you had cancer, would you want to wait 6 weeks to see a specialist?  And, this person had insurance!

And, we need good Doctors.  Smart ones.  I don't care how much money they make if they are good. 

I think Obama is on to something about education in this country.  Kids need to be in school more and focus more on the sciences.  Simply put, we need good doctors.

I would love to hear any comments about this.  As I said earlier, I don't know a lot about the healthcare situation and I haven't been swayed one way or another...yet!

Itchy

I am very itchy tonight.  It's driving me nuts!  I take Zyrtec every night at about this time.  I guess its the 24 hour pill wearing off.  But, tonight it is on the palm of my hands and soles of my feet too.  It usually doesn't get that bad unless I skip a Zyrtec, then the itchiness becomes unbearable. 

I had a histamine urine test done by my hematologist last year.  I suffered through many days without taking Zyrtec and when the test came back, it showed no histamine in my system.  So strange!  Why then does my body itch all the time and calm down when I take an anti-histamine?

I have been itchy for many, many years.  I have very fair, Irish skin.  I burn easily, breakout easily, and have super sensitive skin.  So, being itchy is sort of my normal.  It's been this way for so long, I hardly ever remember not being itchy.  But, it doesn't make it any more bearable. 

I am trying to think of any new foods I might have had today, anything that could trigger the itchiness.  Nothing new.  My Dr. said that I might be allergic to an additive or something that is impossible to trace.  Another "we don't know what is causing it or how to fix it" answer. 

What do you say?

My 5 year old said "What is fibro?".  I think she is confusing it with fiber!  I didn't get a chance to answer her because she siad she was confused and couldn't think of the right word.  So, that buys me a little time to think about how I want to explain it to her.  I feel so grateful that I am explaining something that while unpleasant, isn't life threatening or scarey.  I feel so much pain for mothers who might have to explain something more serious to a child...such as a terminal illness.  I also don't want my daughter to dwell on it and so I am considering never saying the word "Fibro" in front of her again.  I think that it might become the forbidden word.

While at the chiropractor today, I was given some new exercises to do as part of my therapy.  I do them there at the office and while I was doing them, another women was there with me.  She asked me if I had suffered from a back injury.  I said "No" but felt the need to explain.  But, it was a wierd feeling.  I have never told a stranger that I have fibromyalgia.  I blurted it out, quickly.  She gasped and said "That's terrible!!!".  I didn't know what to say.  Yeah- it is terrible.  Yeah - I hate that I have it.  But, it could be a lot worse.  She then said that a friend of hers had it and all I could think to say was "Yeah, it isn't fun".  I wish I would have told her to offer her friend support, I am sure she needs it.  We all do.

Then I had to tell my Chiropractor that I was in pain from the "bad" Dr. last week.  I told her that the last adjustment hurt and that I did really like the Dr., but it was too rough and painful.  I told her that I knew it was "just me and because of the fibro."  I wish I didn't have to explain.  How can you even describe it to someone?  No wonder the Doctors took so long to diagnose me, I was unable to put it into words.

My flu shot is still sore and a red circle surrounds it, about the size of a silver dollar.  I think its normal though, for someone with such sensitive skin. 

Blogs

I found some more blogs on the internet and posted them on the page.  If someone doesn't want their blog posted here, please let me know!  I am trying to read about other people's experiences, I find it comforting that other people feel as miserable as me!  LOL - JUST KIDDING! 

No, but reading about the way other people feel helps me to know that what I am feeling is real.  Others feel it too.  And, I think we can all learn from each other about what works and what doesn't. 

Flushot - Yoooooouch!

I got a good night's rest last night and woke up on time today.  No tyelenol pms or muscle relaxers, just good old fashioned sleep.  I don't have a problem with sleep in the way that I usually have no difficulty falling alseep or staying asleep.  But, I am a light sleeper.  I tend to hear every little noise.  I am getting better about it now that the kids are getting a little bigger, but I still hear them when they make noises during the night.  So, I know I sleep light.

But, I managed to get up on-time and get to work on-time.  I recently received a promotion and nice raise so it is important to me to get to work on-time.  It is always a struggle though.  Even when I am on-time, something usually happens to cause me to be late.  I am working on this.  A goal of mine is to be one of those people that pops up in the morning.  Is that unrealistic?  It is probably too much pressure to put on myself, but I am not a morning person or a night person!  I feel like I should at least be on one end of the spectrum!

I had a flu shot today, my arm is sore.  Nothing unusual though, most people get a sore arm.  But, man does it hurt.  A pinch my ass.  I will never tell my kids its a pinch again- it hurts!  But, I believe it is a worthy cause if it prevents me from coming down with any kind of flu.  So far, we have kept H1N1 out of the house, but it's still infecting people.  The vaccine doesn't seem available for everyone yet, so we have only gotten the regular vaccine.

I wonder if I should tell my chiropractor that I got the vaccine.  I don't think they believe in that, so I should probably keep it to myself.  I had an interesting conversation with my father-in-law last night, about fibro.  He is an orthapedic surgeon and he prints articles for me from medical journals.  It's nice and he really seems to try to find information for me.  The article highlighted what seems to work and what doesn't.  Again- aerobic exercise was at the top of the list.  Seems cruel that people with all this fatigue and soreness would feel better if they would just pick up the pace and exercise.  I wish I could do more of it, I really do.  I know it would help.  But, this fear is always in the back of my mind, fear of how I will feel later.  Will I pay a price?

I see the chiropractor again tonight, but I am starting have doubts about the effects.  I do think it helps in some way, but I am still stuck with fibro.  It's not going anywhere.  Last night I reached into my daughter's bed to get something for her and my arm pushed slightly on the wooden frame and it hurt.  So sore, a lingering pain where I was barely touched.  Today, if I rub my legs for any reason, they are very tender and sensitive.  I just don't understand.  What is the trigger?  There seems to be no rhyme or reason to this.  It's there one day and not the next.  I just wish I knew how to control it.

Headaches

It has been a very bad weekend.  On Friday afternoon, I went to the chiropractor.  As I mentioned in earlier posts, the normal Dr. I see isn't there on Friday.  So, a different Dr. did the adjustment.  It was the same Dr. that did it last week and she is just not at all understanding of a patient with fibro.  The minute she put her hands on my lower back, I felt pain.  Not just any pain, the fibro sore skin, bruised pain.  She pushed hard on my back and just kept on going.  When she got to my neck and turned it to the side, it wouldn't crack.  I felt so sore.  I left with a headache.  I will never go to this Dr. again.  I have seen her twice now and both times she has hurt me.

Just to re-iterate a previous post, if you are considering seeing a chiropractor, make sure they have experience in treating fibromyalgia.  It should not hurt.  Although I had this bad experience (that continued to cause lingering pain all weekend) I still believe there is a place for chiropractic treatment for fibro.  Overall, my quality of life has improved since I started going.  But, the Dr. I normally see is very gentle and she does not hurt me.  When I leave, I usually feel better than before I went in.  She touches my back gently and I can tell she really tries to be extra careful.  We need more of these types of chiropractors! 

So, I was in a bit of a flare all weekend with non-stop headaches.  I worked all day Friday, went straight to the bad chiropractor (lol), then headed to friend's house to meet up with my husband and kids.  I quickly ate some pizza and then started to get on their Halloween costumes.  We took them to a Halloween event at the public library and then home!  So, I left the house at 7:00am and didn't get home until around 8:30pm.  Then, by the time I got the kids to bed I was ready to collapse.

Moving on to Saturday...  My mother-in-law had a jewlery party Saturday morning at 10am.  I got up, showered, packed the kids halloween costumes, got my daughter ready for swimming lessons and headed to the jewlery party (alone).  I stayed for an hour, bought some jewlery (mostly Christmas presents- yay), and then headed over to the healthclub where my daughter was at her swimming lessons.  I got her out of the pool at 11:30am and helped her shower and get dressed.  By now we are approaching noon and my husband and I decide to take the kids to Panera bread for lunch.  My head is still pounding from the adjustment on Friday.

I took two Tyelenol and that kept the headache at bay.  After lunch, my husband left to get some work done and I took the kids to a friend's neighborhood for a Halloween parade.  The rain held off, but it was chilly.  It was also a 2 mile walk.  I had the double stroller b/c I knew my 3 year old would never go the distance.  But, this gave my 5 year old the temptation to sit too.  Walking up and down the hills pushing 75 lbs was not easy.  Plus, it was chilly and cloudy and the sun was nowhere in sight.  It was a great time for the kids though and I made it.  By the time we marched in the parade and then got back to my friend's house, it was getting close to dinner time.  The kids were hungry, so I met my husband at a restaurant for dinner.  I hate eating out so much.  But, once again, I left the house at 9:30am and was still not home in time to cook dinner.  If I were to leave and go home, start to cook, the kids would be in complete melt-down mode.  They were beyond giving a snack to hold them over.  They had goodies at the parade and they were coming down from the sugar high.  They needed dinner and they needed it fast.  I was also getting extremely tired and hungry myself.  All I could do was imagine myself snuggled in front of the fireplace under a warm blanket.  I kept telling myself that was what I was going to do when I got home.  But, I ended up going straight to bed after the kids.  It had been a long, cold day.

Sunday came too fast.  The kids were wonderful in that they let my husband and I sleep until 9:30am.  They slept until 8:30am and then played for awhile before waking us up.  We all got up and had a nice breakfast together.  My husband was so sweet, he got up and made coffee and eggs.  He takes such good care of us.

My daughter has been wanting to go to the healthclub playroom for awhile now.  We haven't been there much lately and when we do go, she is usually swimming so she doesn't get to go to the playroom.  So, after lunch, I packed up the kids and headed off to the gym.  I am so glad I did this.  I took 45 minutes to myself and just walked the track.  I am staying off the treadmills for awhile to see if I can get just as much exercise on the track.  It was great to steal some time to myself and the kids love being there in the playroom.  So, it worked out great.  A long Target shopping trip followed and once again, home at 6pm and the kids are starving.  It was cereal for dinner.

It was not the healthiest of weekends as far as eating goes, but I just can't seem to slow down.  As it was, I decided not to take the kids to the zoo yesterday, although it was a beautiful day.  A "fibro choice" - no zoo.  I knew that might in fact put me over the edge. 

So, here we are - Monday morning and I am bracing myself for another long day.  I will leave work and head straight to the in-laws for my father-in-laws birthday.  At least I won't have to worry about dinner again!  But, the house is still a mess and I didn't get anything done all weekend.

My legs are a little sore from doing lunges while walking (not sure how to spell that!).  But, they feel only sore - like anyone would feel after not using a muscle in awhile.  Sometimes when I exercise, I can hardly walk the next day.  I mean, I can walk, but limping around and pain with each step.  Today, I really think this is the kind of soreness most people would have - its not fibro!

I am still having a headache though.  I will take more tyelenol and talk to the "good" chiropractor tomorrow about this experience.  And, I just wish I could stay up a little later tonight.  I am still sleeping a lot and struggling to wake up everyday.  I wish I could be either a morning person or night person.  Right now, I am neither.